Talk Talks | US school system: Mommy Mia!

Howdy from Texas, dear readers,

I don't want to arouse their pity with every column, but this time it would be quite appropriate. My fellow moms and I are currently going through a difficult period, also called "Maycember." It's a fusion of the months of May and December, and means that most mothers and a few fathers are just as stressed now, so close to the summer holidays, which begin here at the end of May, as they were just before the end of the year. That's a completely incomprehensible concept if you live in Germany, where school isn't seen as a daily mega-entertainment event. You want examples? Okay: Last week I received eleven emails from my daughter's teacher alone. That's twice as many as usual. In an average week in March or April, I would get five or six. But May is hardcore: Last week was "Teacher Appreciation," I was the "Chaperone" on the school trip to the nature center, my daughter was the "Star Student," and I needed explanations for all of these events. Do you need some too? Of course.

"Teacher Appreciation" week is a five-day celebration of teachers that takes place at the end of the year in most US schools and is decided by the parent-teacher association. What's the theme, you ask? Of course, there's the theme, "90s" or "summer." Then there are, of course, daily costume suggestions for teachers and students (cartoon characters, pajamas, etc.), as well as daily instructions for parents about what they should give the teachers each day: flowers, candy, gift cards, etc. How are you supposed to know what they want, you might ask? An Excel spreadsheet with all the teachers' preferences is sent out, and it's sent out several times. The teachers themselves forward the emails, otherwise they might be ignored!

Should we participate in all of this, other mothers and I discuss. In the end, we decide, yes, in a way. It would be rude to skip the sports, music, or art teacher. How much should we spend? In the local Facebook groups, they recommend shelling out $50 per teacher. That's very reminiscent of Christmas, except you don't get anything yourself.

"Chaperoning" means supervising children on field trips, an additional support role for teachers, for which there is more demand than space. My generation of mothers is overambitious and overly helpful—a bunch of so-called "people pleasers"—and so I only get the job at the end of the school year by lottery. The chaperoning email tells me how I should behave: I'm supposed to set an example, look after the children well, and not look at my phone! I obey.

On the way back on the yellow school bus, I sit next to a little girl who isn't mine because my daughter wants to sit next to her friends (I'm suppressing the trauma of childhood rejection until the next column). "When I grow up, you'll be dead," the little girl says. I want to change the subject: "What are you going to eat in the cafeteria?" I ask. "The main thing is, nothing vegetarian. Vegetarians are idiots," she replies. When she wants to count the passing Teslas with me, I have to remember the admonishing email and mutter alternately "Be a role model" and "No more chaperoning!"

Oh, and there was something else! Every week, you're chosen by your class to be a "Star Student." You then have certain privileges, like sitting at the "Star Student" desk in class and showing your classmates your favorite toys and books. You sometimes even have to dress up, and the Star Student email then says, "Thursday: Wear your favorite hat and socks to study without shoes." I want to know what the hell "studying without shoes" is, but I don't want to risk another email. At the end of the week, the parents have to create a PowerPoint presentation about their child; my daughter complains that I chose a "boring" background for hers. Are you feeling sorry for her yet? And I haven't even mentioned "summer camp." But I know you're thinking, "It's your own fault if you take part in this madness!" You're right. At least Mother's Day was email-free.