Expert explains: Alone, but not lonely: What's the difference?

BRIGITTE: What is the difference between loneliness and being alone? Dr. Dietrich Munz: Loneliness is a state in which we feel alone and desire contact with (familiar) people – often associated with pain and grief. We humans live in the ambivalence between the desire for closeness and affection on the one hand, and independence and freedom on the other. Depending on our life situation, we sometimes live more strongly on one side or the other, i.e., more in the search for closeness or the search for independence. If the latter is the case, being alone is experienced without the feeling of loneliness.

And that always balances out?

Behind dependence—the search for relationships—there may be a problem: we have difficulty shaping and practicing our autonomy, which can quickly lead to feelings of loneliness. Behind autonomy—the search for independence—there may be a fear of closeness and dependence, of losing one's own independence in a relationship.

Why is being alone still seen as something negative in our society?

My personal impression is somewhat different. In our society, which strongly emphasizes individuality and independence, younger people who successfully live alone as singles or who manage long-distance relationships are more likely to receive recognition. In older people, on the other hand, we tend to see their own fear of becoming lonely in old age and reject their solitude, as they don't serve as role models for us on how to grow old in a satisfying way.

Many people find it very difficult to be alone. Why is that?

These people usually have an unconscious desire for love, security, and often protection, while simultaneously fearing the loss of those who provide this care. They often find it difficult to pursue their own interests and desires independently of others. Some people also fear being rejected and rejected if they pursue their own interests and distance themselves temporarily or for a longer period of time.

Can you learn to be alone?

Even as small children we learn to tolerate being alone, for example when a child is completely absorbed in their own play and is not disturbed. It is important that they feel that their caregivers are available at all times. You can learn to be alone without feeling lonely by doing things you enjoy. The most important feeling should be that you want to do this alone at the moment: not to prove something to yourself or others, but to achieve the satisfaction that it fulfills you and gives you contentment. We can try to put this into practice consciously in order to experience that we can be alone.

What are the advantages of being alone?

Being able to manage my life alone can strengthen an inner sense of independence and self-reliance. This doesn't mean giving up the desire for closeness and security, but ultimately it gives me more inner freedom for and within the relationships or friendships I have. This gives me more confidence that, in an "emergency," I can manage my life well without this relationship—that is, living alone.

Is it strange to enjoy doing things alone more often?

This isn't strange at all; rather, in the ambivalence described above, it's the realization of the desire to do things alone for a while, to be able to independently pursue one's own desires and interests. Relationships often suffer because one or both partners find it difficult to do things alone. In relationships, trust is important that this desire to do and enjoy something alone, independent of the other person, will be accepted and that this will not (destroy) the relationship, but may even enrich it.

Brigitte