The Caring Caregiver: How to Learn to Set Boundaries to Reduce Burnout, Frustration, and Guilt

Summer can be one of the most demanding seasons for caregivers. Not only because of the high temperatures or changes in routine, but also because the lack of support typical of this time can increase physical and emotional exhaustion. Therefore, as Amalia Rivas Orejón ( @amaliarivasorejon ), a coach, gerontologist specializing in caring for those who care, and founder of Older, "the art of caring for yourself," reminds us, this time of year is precisely when it is most necessary to promote self-care , an essential tool in the work of caregiving that should be practiced consciously, connecting with needs and limits. Some questions that can be useful in this regard, according to Rivas, are: Do you remember to take care of yourself? What do you do to take care of yourself? What happens to your balance if you focus everything on being with the person you care for? Are you aware of the emotions that caring arouses in you? Do you feel guilty if you don't set limits? What activities make you feel good and are good for you?

The expert also advises observing oneself to determine if any of the physical, mental, and emotional signs are occurring that could indicate that the person is "burned out" and unable to perform their job effectively and responsibly.

Constant tiredness , frequent headaches or muscle aches, digestive problems, insomnia or interrupted sleep, getting sick easily or changes in weight or appetite can be physical signs, while on a mental level the Older expert highlights difficulty concentrating or making decisions, frequent forgetfulness or absent-mindedness, feeling overwhelmed or confused , loss of motivation or interest in daily activities and repetitive negative thoughts . From an emotional point of view, indicators of caregiver burnout include irritability , frustration or disproportionate anger , feelings of sadness , anxiety or hopelessness, constant feelings of guilt or inadequacy, emotional isolation or loss of the sense of purpose for caregiving.

In addition to identifying the signs of burnout and learning how to set boundaries , Older's wellness expert suggests eight rules that help you understand the importance of self-care:

1. Self-awareness . Becoming aware of one's strengths and weaknesses paves the way for self-compassion. The expert reminds us that a caregiver's strength, abilities, and time are limited. Therefore, she suggests accepting vulnerability, practicing self-compassion, and understanding and integrating the aspects that may affect this volunteering.

2. Purpose, meaning, and motivation. Recognizing the meaning of caring for vulnerable people and reflecting on it can help steer your purpose, be consistent with what you want to do, and focus your motivations, according to Rivas, who invites you to ask yourself: What led me to make this decision? What are my attitudes and values? What do I think and how do I feel about it?

3. Strengthen your "self." Being able to say no to overly demanding needs helps set limits and curb "stress by default." It will also be helpful, as the wellness expert points out, to reward yourself and celebrate the successes you achieve along the way.

4. Personal growth and the search for meaning . Giving oneself to others can bring a person closer to self-realization and can also help them put things into perspective, become resilient, and connect with their own values ​​and spirituality. As Rivas suggests, it offers a multitude of opportunities for learning and personal growth.

5. Emotional expression. Listening to and accepting the emotions that arise during the process involves validating yourself and giving yourself permission to feel. The expert also advises reaching out to trusted people or healthcare professionals to share these experiences. "Shared grief is divided, while shared joy is multiplied," she suggests.

6. Take care of your health. Get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise regularly, rest, take care of your personal hygiene… Although they may seem like common sense, these are basic things that are essential to maintaining balance and being able to continue taking care of yourself.

7. Avoid isolation . Maintaining friendships, hobbies, getting out of the house, and cultivating interests helps preserve these emotional and self-care areas, which help mitigate the tension and stress the caregiver is under.

8. Cultivate information and engage in self-education . Learning about the disease, its progression, and the problems that may arise can also help reduce stress, uncertainty, and fear of the unknown. "Education will allow us to take on a more participatory and collaborative role with greater confidence, autonomy, and freedom," advises the expert.

Something that often happens is that some caregivers feel guilty when they are not with the person they care for. They somehow feel they are indispensable and that the person they are caring for won't be well if they are not there. But how can they address these feelings through self-care? The expert explains that sometimes they have the almost automatic belief that "if it's not them, no one will do it as well." But this idea, although it may seem true, is nothing more than a limiting belief that leads to self-sabotage , as the founder of Older clarifies. That's why she advises questioning and transforming it.

To do this, she advises asking yourself: What thoughts arise when I'm not with the person I'm caring for? Do I have objective evidence to support this belief? "To answer these questions, make a list of real facts versus assumptions or beliefs that have never occurred. This will help you distinguish between what is real and what is the result of negative thoughts or fear," Rivas recommends.

You can even go further by doing an exercise in positive intention behind the feeling of guilt by asking yourself: What is this guilt trying to protect or avoid? Is it to protect your loved one? Is it to avoid rejection? Is it to feel useful? "Once you've identified the intention, become aware of what's positive about it and integrate it as an empowering belief that allows you to care for others without guilt and from a place of balance," she points out.

Another resource that can help caregivers is learning to identify which people, places, or experiences positively recharge them by asking key questions: What emotion does this person, place, or experience make me feel? When I'm with that person, in that place, or having that experience, what does it awaken in me? How much of myself can I truly be? Do I feel free, seen, valued? As the expert explains, these types of questions can help recognize what nourishes and connects with authentic well-being.

Another dynamic proposed is the "Positive Energy Map" exercise, which would be carried out following these steps:

1. Pause and reflect. Ask yourself: Where do I feel at peace? Who can I effortlessly be myself around? And what activities leave me feeling well-being or joy?

2. Write three separate lists:

- Places that calm me or give me joy: (e.g. nature, my favorite spot, a park).

- People who support me and respect my emotions: (e.g. a friend who listens to me without judging).

- Experiences that renew me: (e.g. walking, painting, reading, dancing).

3. Observe patterns. What do these people or places have in common? What physical/emotional sensations do you have when you're there?

4. Make it visible. Create queues with photos, clippings, words, and drawings of everything that gives you energy, and stick them somewhere visible where you can see them every day. It will help remind you when you need to recharge.