Let’s Talk Relationships: Bridging the emotional divide: Part 1: The impact of gender conditioning
Why is it so hard for many couples to connect emotionally, even when they love each other? So often, the answer lies in early messages — whether clearly stated or subtly implied — that teach each gender how to “do” emotion. Men are often told to “man up.” Women are told they’re “too emotional.” These lessons, absorbed in childhood, shape how we show up in adult relationships and quietly build walls between us. The emotional divide they create runs deep, and its impact on connection is profound.
Emotional connection is a universal human need — something we all long for and benefit from, regardless of gender. While this column focuses on emotional dynamics in heterosexual relationships, a future column will explore the emotional experiences of LGBTQ+, trans, and nonbinary partnerships — recognizing that emotional connection and understanding are central to every relationship.
I understand that not all readers will identify with the patterns described here. What follows reflects traditional gender conditioning — ways in which men and women have historically been taught what emotions are acceptable and how to express (or suppress) them. While gender roles are evolving and becoming more flexible, many of these deeply rooted beliefs still linger and continue to shape how emotions are experienced and understood.
It’s no secret: women and men are often taught to relate to emotions in very different ways. In my work with heterosexual couples, I frequently witness the frustration this emotional divide creates. Many women long for their male partners to be more emotionally open and responsive. When that doesn’t happen, they may feel shut out and alone. Meanwhile, many men feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity and unsure how to respond. They’re often labeled “distant” or “unfeeling,” a judgment that misses the deeper story.
This divide often leads to misunderstanding and hurt on both sides. To begin bridging it, we need to look closely at how each gender has been conditioned to relate to emotions. When we understand that most of us are simply doing the best we can with what we were taught, it becomes easier to meet each other with compassion. And from that place, we can begin to stretch beyond old emotional patterns and move toward healthier, more connected ways of relating.
Be strong: Boys are rarely encouraged to express vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear, or insecurity. Most grow up without seeing male role models talk openly about feelings. Instead, they’re told to “man up,” internalize emotions, and cope alone. By adulthood, many men struggle to “open up” because it goes against everything they’ve been taught. Boys often bond through activities, not emotional sharing. Pain is often handled in silence, creating a lifelong habit of emotional self-reliance, one that may not always serve men well.
Don’t ask for help: Reaching out is often seen as weakness. Boys learn to figure things out on their own. As adults, many men view emotional conversations as uncomfortable, even unnecessary.
Don’t cry: By school age, boys hear, “toughen up,” “you’re fine,” and “get over it.” Tears can lead to teasing or rejection, so boys quickly learn to shut vulnerability down. Even well-meaning parents may discourage crying by rushing to fix things or hiding their own tears. Over time, boys learn to feel ashamed of their display of sadness, and to associate emotion with weakness.
Be stoic: Pop culture glorifies the emotionally unshakable man, the silent hero, the tough athlete. Boys absorb the idea that expressing emotion is not masculine. Many men come to believe that simply having emotions makes them flawed.
Anger is acceptable: While most emotions are discouraged, anger is allowed — sometimes even expected. I often see men express frustration, only to uncover hurt or sadness underneath. Anger becomes a socially acceptable mask for deeper, more vulnerable feelings.
Success equals worth: From a young age, boys are taught that their value lies in performance — winning, achieving, providing. Over time, many equate love and respect with productivity. Emotions that don’t serve achievement are dismissed, creating a painful disconnection from self and others.
While men are taught to suppress vulnerability, women are shaped by a different — but equally restrictive — emotional script.
Be caring and attuned to others: Girls are praised for being nurturing and empathetic. Over time, they may focus more on others’ emotions than their own, often feeling guilty for expressing anything “negative.” Saying “I’m fine” when they’re not becomes a familiar habit. Questions like “Why are you so emotional?” or “What’s wrong now?” can cause women to question the validity of their feelings, eroding self-trust.
Be nice, don’t make waves: Girls are taught to be polite and agreeable. Conflict or strong opinions may be discouraged. As adults, this can make it hard to set boundaries, leading women to say “yes” when they mean “no” to avoid seeming rude or unkind. Over time, this suppresses their authenticity and creates emotional fatigue.
Don’t get angry: Just as boys are told not to cry, girls are told not to get angry. Anger in women is often labeled as irrational or unattractive. Many women learn to swallow their anger, which can lead to depression or misplaced self-blame. With my clients, I often see women internalize relationship problems rather than recognizing their own unexpressed emotions or unmet needs.
Don’t be too much: Although women are generally given more emotional “permission” than men, they are often judged for being too emotional, sensitive, or intense. Labels like “dramatic” or “needy” cause many to minimize or second-guess their emotions, silencing their voice and diminishing their self-confidence.
Your worth is in how you look: Girls grow up being praised for their appearance — being cute, pretty, or likable. This can lead to prioritizing how they’re perceived over how they truly feel, reinforcing a habit of seeking external validation over emotional self-awareness.
Suppress your needs: Girls are socialized to be caregivers, often praised for putting others first. While compassion is a strength, it becomes harmful when women feel guilty for prioritizing themselves. Over time, they may silence their needs to keep the peace, leading to resentment, burnout, and emotional disconnection — even from themselves.
We don’t choose the emotional messages we grow up with, but we can choose to examine and unlearn them. Most emotional conditioning lives beneath the surface, shaped by culture, media, family, and peer groups. Awareness is the first step toward change.
No matter your gender identity, I invite you to reflect on the emotional messages you’ve internalized. Which have supported your emotional life? Which have held you back? Which are you ready to release?
We all feel deeply. To be human is to experience joy and grief, pride and shame, connection and isolation, and everything in between. And part of being human is needing to be seen, accepted, and understood, just as we are.
I’m cheering you on, wherever you are on this journey, to share your full emotional self with honesty and courage. Trust that doing so brings you closer to yourself and to those you care about. As we unlearn the emotional conditioning we’ve inherited, we move toward a world where feelings aren’t judged — they’re honored and embraced.
Your emotions are not to be seen as a burden — they are your life force. They bring depth, color, and meaning to your relationships and to your world. Let’s build a culture where emotions aren’t just allowed, but honored and celebrated.
Part 2 of this column will explore how brain physiology plays a role in the way different genders experience and express emotions.
Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.
Daily Hampshire Gazette
