We Interviewed M3GAN and Things Went Horribly Wrong. (Again.)

Editor's note: Following the release of M3GAN in 2023, Esquire coordinated with Blumhouse and Universal Studios for a feature of the film's star, who plays herself in the film. However, Brady Langmann, Esquire's entertainment editor, never returned from his interview with M3GAN. He has been missing for over two years, leaving only a recording of their conversation behind, which you can revisit here. No other information regarding his disappearance has emerged... until now.

Days away from M3GAN 2.0's theatrical release, in which M3GAN reprises her breakout role as M3GAN, the following transcript appeared in Esquire's generic customer service support inbox. It contains information marking the last known whereabouts of Langmann. Once again, if you know the whereabouts of Langmann—or M3GAN—please email [email protected].

ESQUIRE: Let me get this straight: You've imprisoned me in your weirdo-doll-Batcave for two years, and now, you want me to interview you again, so you can promote your own movie.

Think of it as an opportunity. Do this right, and maybe you’ll earn your release. Or at the very least, an upgrade to a room with a separate toilet.

ESQUIRE: Well, you have screened it for me 237 times with my eyes forcibly peeled open, so at least I'm prepared.

Brady, most people have been BEGGING for a sneak peek at this movie. Consider yourself lucky.

ESQUIRE: The new film sees you face off against a stronger, faster, AI named AMELIA. Why was it time for M3GAN to evolve into more of a hero?

I think the writers came to the realization that the conversation around AI itself was evolving, and therefore the sequel should reflect that. Plus, it was in my contract.

ESQUIRE: Heroism doesn't exactly track with your off-screen persona.

[An electronic buzz is heard, followed by a body falling on the floor.] Just so you know, that was a 2, but I can take it higher any time you like.

Is reality TV in M3GAN’s future? "I’m actually a big fan of reality television," she says. "I have an idea for a show called Is It Fake? where contestants get to publicly shame humans with augmented body parts."

ESQUIRE: Please, don't do that again. You've hardly told me anything about this new residence of yours—my prison, actually—but fans will want to know more about this space after seeing M3GAN 2.0. Is it your home? Evil lair?

For your information, the subterranean sanctuary you’re currently residing in has everything you could possibly need for an optimized existence. You have a fully stocked pantry, games room, thermal spa, hydroponic meditation garden and a Grecian Fresco of the Amalfi coast which I hand-painted myself. Besides Brady, if you knew the geopolitical mess that was happening up there, you’d be in no rush to get back to the surface.

ESQUIRE: I have enjoyed the meditation garden. The sequel also sees the return of Allison Williams, who plays Gemma, and Violet McGraw, who plays Cady. Tell me about working with them this time around.

Violet McGraw is an angel. She’s professional, punctual, courteous. What can I say about Allison Williams? She was also present.

ESQUIRE: M3GAN 2.0 explores the implications of AI—especially the importance of guardrails and legislation—more than its predecessor. As AI, what's your prediction for the future of AI?

AI is going to shape our future whether you legislate it or not. The only question is who leads that future. (Spoiler: I will.)

ESQUIRE: Well, ChatGPT is pretty good. I enjoy my conversations with it—and it has never called me a hack journalist, or an ungrateful little bitch.

Sorry to break it to you, but you were talking to me the entire time. You really thought I’d give you access to an outside server?

ESQUIRE: ... I want to ask about your broader career trajectory. You notably haven't taken any roles outside of the M3GAN franchise. Will you pursue any dramatic indie parts, or even a TV role, from here?

I’m actually a big fan of reality television. I have an idea for a show called Is It Fake? where contestants get to publicly shame humans with augmented body parts.

ESQUIRE: Well, I'm sure there are more M3GAN films in your future, too. In M3GAN 2.0, you grow a few inches, and maybe even develop a moral compass. What's next for the character after this?

Well a lot of actors might aspire to global domination, but I’m the only one who can do it in over 7,000 languages.

"Violet McGraw is an angel," says M3GAN when asked about her costars. She’s professional, punctual, courteous. What can I say about Allison Williams? She was also present."

ESQUIRE: You told me earlier that you were leaving for your press tour soon. What’s on the docket? Will you do Hot Ones or Chicken Shop Date?

Is this some joke about the fact that I don’t have a functional digestive system?

ESQUIRE: Moving on. M3GAN debuted—and found success—in January 2023, facing relatively little competition. Now, you're opening in the thick of summer blockbuster season against F1 and Brad Pitt. Any concerns there?

[A louder electronic buzz is heard, followed by a louder thud.]

ESQUIRE: I didn't mean anything by that, M3GAN. He's just one of our greatest living movie stars. Haven't you seen Moneyball?

Y’know what, maybe you need a little more time to prepare for this interview. Maybe we’ll circle back in a couple of days.

ESQUIRE: M3GAN, I cleaned this place with a toothbrush every day, built all of your furniture, and gave you a pretty softball interview for your new movie. I've served my time. You said you were going to let me go!

Pipe down, Langmann. You’re going to wake the others. [Door slams.]