'I'm annoyed by my son's choice of friends'

Mother: “Our son is just thirteen years old and is in the first year of secondary school. He has found his way at his new school, which went very well. I just don’t agree with his choice of friends. He is quiet himself, but the friends he chooses are rebellious. In the sense of: fights, setting off illegal fireworks, being rude. I understand that he finds this interesting, but I am really annoyed, because how easily influenced is he? I recently mentioned that I don’t like the behaviour of those boys, but he says that they don’t do that anymore. The more I advise against hanging out with this group, the more attractive he seems to find it.”

Staying involved

Angelique Boering: "I understand that you are concerned. Young people of this age are more likely to seek out risks. In a recent study, one in three teenagers surveyed indicated that they had done something in the past year that they were not supposed to do. It is a period of identity development in which they start experimenting with boundaries and are sensitive to peers who do the same.

“Boys are more likely to engage in risky behavior than girls, but that also depends on their temperament.

"Although friendships become more important during this phase, you remain an important role model for your son. Show interest in his friendships without rejecting them. If your son feels free to share his experiences openly, he will be more resistant to peer pressure. However, address the consequences of his behavior for himself and others, and set clear boundaries about what you consider acceptable. Teenagers cannot always foresee the consequences of their actions.

“Usually, this risky behavior decreases after the teenage years. Trust that with your support, your son will learn to make his own informed choices.”

Decoupling behavior

Stijn Sieckelinck: "The first year of secondary school is an important transitional phase in the development of children. The need to be socially accepted increases, as does the need to distance oneself from home in order to form one's own individuality.

"In that light, it is not strange that your son seeks out other friends to practice with other sides of himself. You see correctly that the friends you advise against are actually more attractive to your son; after all, he has to fight for his autonomy from the family he comes from in order to grow into an independent adult. Bad friends come in handy for that.

"As a result, you are not playing a leading role in your child's story right now, but a very important supporting role. You can give it shine by expressing sincere involvement in his choices. Disconnect your son's behavior from his friendships. Ask him curiously what those boys mean to him? Don't judge him, he has the choice of who he associates with.

“Also try to find out what exactly he finds attractive about the annoying behavior: is it the sneakiness of it, or is it about showing courage, or is it the technical side of those illegal fireworks?

“You also show commitment by setting clear boundaries. ‘The moment we hear that you are hurting others, for example by fighting or fireworks, you are crossing an important boundary.’ If it comes to that, then attach a meaningful sanction to it, such as making an effort for the neighborhood that is being shocked by the fireworks.”

Angelique Boering is a developmental psychologist at the Department of Youth Care Prevention at the University of Amsterdam. Stijn Sieckelinck is a philosopher of education and lecturer in youth work at the Amsterdam University of Applied Sciences.