Love through the eyes of divorce lawyer Lisa: 'Without the profession, I would have been divorced a long time ago'

Love, relationships, exes and divorces keep many people busy on a daily basis. You fall in love, get into a relationship, get married, and sometimes things go differently: according to the CBS, no fewer than 24,687 marriages ended in divorce in 2024.

In a divorce, various professionals play a role, such as mediators and divorce lawyers. They come into contact with the negative side of love on a daily basis, after all, that is their job. However, this can also bring difficulties, such as affecting the perception of love. Family lawyer and divorce mediator Lisa (not her real name for privacy reasons) and LawCare helpline operator Margot van Olden share their experiences of their private lives and the profession with Metro .

“My parents divorced when I was 12 years old and it went in a way that would not be good for any child. ‘I will make sure that no one in the Netherlands gets divorced anymore, I will become a lawyer!’, I said after my parents divorced,” says Lisa. “Of course I think differently about that now and it is not that easy. As a child you look at a divorce very differently and you think that you can solve it easily for a couple, but it is much more complicated than that.”

Lisa has been a sworn family law attorney since 2001 and has lived with her partner since she was 18. “I married my partner in 2002 and we have two children and a dog. My husband doesn’t really know any better than that I work as a family law attorney and divorce mediator, but this hasn’t always been easy. There have been times when I took too much work home with me,” says Lisa. “I’ve never had a real burnout , but I’ve definitely been on the verge of it. At one point, my working days became much longer and I was even working on the weekends. In this profession, you’re constantly under time pressure from the court and have cabinets full of files that also demand your attention. It gave me a lot of stress, which made me much shorter-tempered at home.”

According to the CBS , in 2024 a total of 92,686 marriages and registered partnerships were concluded in the Netherlands. As previously mentioned, in the same year 24,687 marriages ended in divorce. "I think that people get divorced very quickly these days. In some cases, divorce is actually better, but you have to remember that divorce only has losers. Whether you win the case or not," says Lisa. "A divorce brings a lot of misery and work with it and some people misjudge that. As a family law attorney or divorce mediator, you think ten times longer about actually getting divorced than the average person."

A relationship has its ups and downs, but it is not always easy to emerge stronger from the deep valleys. “Speaking for myself – because I don’t know about my husband – I can certainly say that at certain times I felt like I wanted to get divorced. And if it hadn’t been for my work, I would have gotten divorced by now, in all honesty. But because I know that a divorce only has losers and that it doesn’t really solve your problems, I still choose to keep fighting for it. It also has to do with my past, but my profession has given me the strength to work extra hard for my marriage. The profession also makes you appreciate your own relationship more, because you see that it can be very different and that you’re actually not doing that badly. A marriage is simply not easy and even though we are very different in some areas, secretly I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

The task of a divorce mediator is to act as an objective and neutral party between two people. You act as a mediator who helps to resolve conflicts and find mutual agreements without taking sides, which requires a lot of empathy and patience. "The profession, as in the stressful cases and long days, has certainly had an effect on my own relationship. We started arguing more and I was very irritable. The tension is certainly palpable at that moment," Lisa explains. "It is difficult to keep private and work separate and I think every lawyer suffers from that. I am a real introvert and I am not quick to say that something is bothering me. I am more someone who sits in a corner and grumbles and keeps my mouth shut, than to say it to my partner. Whether that is really a good solution is another matter."

A family law attorney works with different types of cases, one is a contested divorce and the other is about custody and parental rights. Lisa looks back on a case that has always stayed with her: “At the time, I assisted the mother of a 15-year-old boy who was placed under supervision. The father of the child incited the child against his ex-wife, according to the mother of the child. And the boy became very rebellious and also used violence against the mother, after which the mother decided that the child had to live with his father. The father initially said that the door was always open to him, but in the end that was not the case and the 15-year-old child ended up on the street.”

“It was a case that gave me sleepless nights. And the icing on the cake: the opposing party’s lawyer was drawing flowers during the trial. The lawyer didn’t care at all. I was so upset and then had to tell my story and the tears just ran down my cheeks. It’s a case that really affected me.” Lisa often sees patterns in clients that are harmful to relationships or the well-being of the children. “My work makes me more alert to problems in my own relationship. You recognize patterns and that sometimes makes you a bit anxious, because you know how it can end.”

The LawCare helpline offers confidential support for lawyers struggling with stress, mental health or work-related issues. “Clients demand a lot from lawyers and at the same time you also encounter a lot of resistance and grimness,” explains Margot van Olden of LawCare. “As a lawyer, you are not only a legal expert, but also an entrepreneur and advocate. However, it is important to indicate and guard your boundaries. The problems of your clients should not have an impact on your own life.”

The moment you don't put it aside, there is a big chance that you will get a burnout after a longer period of time. A 2023 study by Bloomberg Law examined the work experiences of female lawyers in comparison to their male colleagues. The study showed that 56 percent of female lawyers experience burnout complaints. And that while the average number of employees with burnout complaints in the Netherlands is 20 percent (Empowr, 2024). A 2023 study by BNR Nieuwsradio showed that 34.3 percent of lawyers have a working week of 60 to 70 hours and for 20.4 percent this was even 70 to 80 hours per week. "At LawCare we guide the lawyers and are committed to a better work-life balance. However, the initiative lies with the lawyers and for many that is still a big step to take," Van Olden concludes.

“Lawyers are not talkers. We can talk about other people’s problems and find a solution very well, but when it comes to ourselves, we shut down. It is also difficult to express your problems to another lawyer, because it is possible that you will be facing that person in court a week later. Then it can easily be used against you,” Lisa explains.

“We also put a certain amount of pressure on ourselves. Many lawyers see personal problems as a weakness, while we don’t see that in others. What we understand and accept in others, we find more difficult to acknowledge in ourselves. Lawyers need to learn that self-care is not a weakness. Seeking help in time prevents you from burning out and ultimately allows you to take better care of your clients. You’re only human and they have problems that need to be talked about.”

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