Understand why being a sycophant is ruining your relationships

Meg Josephson, a psychotherapist in San Francisco, had a client who said she left every social event convinced, without any evidence, that everyone hated her .

It was a pattern the therapist recognized in both herself and her other clients. It's that sense of alarm when a friend's message ends with a period instead of a friendly exclamation point. It's the " insecurity spiral ," as Josephson describes it, that occurs after a neighbor doesn't say "hello." It's hearing that your boss wants to talk to you and immediately assuming you're going to be fired .

So she posted a video on social media saying, "You're okay—they're not secretly mad at you." Thousands of people commented that they had similar fears. "I realized how much I torture myself" was a typical response.

That nagging feeling that you're in trouble is common, Josephson says, and there's a name for the strategy some people use to keep it at bay: fawning or submissive behavior.

When we sense danger, our nervous systems can respond in three ways: fight, flight, or freeze . But some psychologists, like Josephson, believe that submissive behavior is a fourth stress response. The term was coined by Pete Walker, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, who has written about complex post-traumatic stress disorder. He defines ingratiation as a protective response developed in childhood as a reaction to trauma, an extreme form of people-pleasing.

Research on this behavior is still emerging, says Nora Brier, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania's Perelman School of Medicine. It has been cited as a reaction to interpersonal violence, a form of dissociation, and a submissive response to avoid conflict. However, Brier cautioned that there wasn't yet enough evidence to consider fawning a nervous system response like fight, flight, or freeze, but added, "I would love to see it considered for further research."

People who adopt submissive behavior are quick to be helpful and pleasant to a person who poses a threat, says Josephson, who has been a therapist for five years and has 337,000 followers on Instagram. She grew up in a chaotic home where she was constantly appeasing and accommodating her volatile father.

Flattery is sometimes necessary to keep us safe, he says, whether for our physical safety or a raise. But for those stuck in this submissive response , the impulse to be vigilant for threats and emotionally monitor others is at an all-time high, and it spills over into situations where we're actually safe "but our bodies think we're not," he says.

With her new book, "Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for Yourself," Josephson hopes to help people who think, "I can't feel good unless the other person is good."

I asked her to explain three key lessons from her book that can help people stop the urge to engage in submissive behavior.

You can challenge your perception that someone is angry with you, he says, by asking these questions: Is this story I'm telling myself absolutely true? Is this person's behavior unusual or just consistent with how they communicate? Could there be other reasons for the person's perceived distance, such as stress at work or a recent breakup?

For example, when a friend doesn't reply to her message, she sometimes thinks, "Oh my God, was it something I said?" Then she remembers the many times she received a message that later said, "Sorry, I was in a meeting," or "Sorry, I replied to you in my head."

It's not that people will never get mad at you . But it's helpful to pause and remind yourself that your anxious mind has lied to you in the past, it says.

For people who habitually adopt submissive behavior, setting boundaries and saying no can feel intimidating, says Josephson. So start with low-stakes situations.

Notice when you're using people-pleasing phrases that don't really mean what you mean, like "no problem" if something really presents a problem, and "is that okay with you?" if it's not okay with you.

If, for example, someone is apologizing for hurting you, your instinct might be to rush in and relieve them of the blame by saying something like, "No, it's totally fine," you say.

Instead, she said, you can say, "Thank you, I'm glad we're talking about this."

And if someone tells you they're not mad at you, believe them, says the therapist. "Get comfortable with the discomfort of taking what people say at face value without questioning what else they might be secretly feeling."

"If someone is being passive-aggressive in their communication and not bringing something directly to you, there's nothing for you to fix," he writes. "You shouldn't have to work to master telepathy."

According to Josephson, when we engage in ingratiating behavior, "the fearful part of us chooses dishonest rapport over deep, authentic connection." But honest, clear communication is the most important part of any relationship, and eliminates the need to read between the lines, he says.

Practice being more direct with someone you feel safe with. Tell them you're doing this and ask for help.

If you're canceling plans, for example, be honest instead of making up an excuse so the person doesn't get upset with you. "This practice may be uncomfortable in the short term, but it saves us a lot of energy in the long run," he advises. "And it strengthens the relationships we truly value."

The next time you have the urge to adopt submissive behavior, says Josephson, do an authenticity check: Do I really mean what I'm about to say? Am I saying something I don't mean to try to appease the other person?

"It's not in your control to make someone else happy," he says. What is in your control, he adds, "is how you spend your time, your energy, and your focus."