"I hate the theatre of funerals. No one ever shows up before or after."

Although he admittedly always suffered from loneliness, Adalberto Faria only experienced its bitterest taste with the death of his mother, who was "the center" of his life. In the wake of this pain came 'Son of a Mother – Loneliness and Loss in the 21st Century', which aims to analyze nothing more, nothing less than "the impact of absence, longing and human fragility".

If in the first part the author focuses on his own experience of loneliness, grief and humanity – including reflections on the Covid-19 pandemic and even the suffering caused by the war in Ukraine –, in the second part he dedicates himself to expanding the conversation, with the help of names such as Bárbara Reis, Mário Dorminsky and António Barreto.

This is because, as he stressed in conversation with Notícias ao Minuto , "we can have everything, and even be loved, and yet feel so lost and alone". Still, in Adalberto Faria's view, "we have to live one day at a time, and know how to deal with this feeling, so as not to feel overwhelmed by the splendor of its cruel clash".

Loneliness has always accompanied me, for very personal, private reasons. But it never had the gongoric dimension that it has after I lost it. There is no signifier, no sign, no meaning that describes the nature of this solitude.

What motivated you to address not only the mourning for your mother, but also the latent loneliness in the society we live in?

I was there for her after her divorce from the great and only love of her life, my father. I was there for her during her illness and after her attempted suicide, when she was betrayed. I was there for her during her relapse and from then on until her death. I was educated and raised in the sacredness of the meaning of motherhood, and on top of all that, because I was also morally obliged to do so… Since I don’t have children, and we always lived together, or one above the other’s house, it’s obvious that my mother was the center of my life, the sun, the moon, the compass. Which I lost! Loneliness has always accompanied me, for very personal, private reasons. But it never had the gongoric dimension that it has after I lost her. There is no signifier, no sign, no meaning that describes the nature of this loneliness. Rationally, I accept the loss. Emotionally, not yet.

You mentioned, at one point, feeling a certain guilt for the pain of grief that you felt, when around you there were people with problems that you considered to be more serious, and even in the face of the war in Ukraine. Even so, grief tends to put us 'at the center of the world'. How did/do you deal with these conflicting aspects?

I understand your question very well. Very pertinent and intelligent. My pain brought with it guilt, because just imagining that I was able to mourn my mother, decently, as I wanted, mystically and with the tragic-Hellenic Hollywood context of flowers, rituals, the sea, the storm, religious and public participation, while others were thrown into a mass grave, undifferentiated, in pieces, or currently, with children crushed and lost in the Palestinian rubble, all of this brings me a kind of guilt for the fact that I feel that my pain is colossal.

But, when I see what is happening to the victims of Covid-19 in hospitals in 2020 and 2021, or in the Ukrainian or Palestinian wars, I have the feeling that I should contain my grief... However, the longing and the pain of absence do not stop just because I feel guilty for having had the right to a family member with a more dignified death.

It is not compatible to be mortally wounded and have third parties with soft words or clichés at our side. The pain and spirituality of the moment prevented me from being with anyone. At most, with just one person.

He also confessed that he did not attend his mother's funeral. Why? Did he see it as a mechanism to deal with – and, in a way, ignore – the pain? I question this because, generally, seeing the body and going through these rituals helps to accept the death of a loved one.

Maybe I'm right. Maybe if I had seen her enter the bowels of the earth, I would have emotionally accepted that I would not see her again for eternity. However, the moment of her death was perhaps the climax of despair and anguish, sadness, fear, emptiness and loneliness that I think I have felt in my entire life, and even in the one that is to come. I do not deny that I was, unconsciously, influenced by my best childhood friend, Joaquina Silveira Teixeira. She loved her only husband so much, fought so hard for him, at home and abroad, in the fight against the cancer he suffered from. Two cancers, in fact, in the space of seven years. It was for every year that he lived with quality of life that Fátima walked on foot, and slept by his side until the moment he expired. However, on the day of his funeral, she did not want to see him buried.

It may seem paradoxical, but I understood her, and her boundless love for her husband and lifelong companion. It is the noblest feeling one can have: to be alone, mourning in all our body, soul and feelings, a loss of this magnitude. It is incompatible to be mortally wounded, and to have third parties by our side with soft words, or clichés. The pain and spirituality of the moment prevented me from being with anyone. At most, with just one person. However, I only did so when I knew that my brother would take care of everything. Otherwise, I would have buried my mother with my own hands, if there was no one else to do it! Do you understand? It is not avoiding pain, it is making it something sacred, mine, and not exposing it on that day, not vulgarizing my suffering, because it is sacred.

Every month I hold a mass in her favorite little chapel, and on each annual date of her death, I turn on the lights in her house all night and all day, and I place flowers and candles all around the house, so that now, yes, people can remember her. On the day of death, and only on that day, I am not interested in the social spectacle. Generally, when I visit someone whose loved one has died, I do it before or after, never on the day of the funeral. I hate the theater of funerals. No one ever shows up before or after. Only on that day. Now, that is a “scandalous mortal sin.”

We have missed the only historical moment to update Christianity, spirituality and goodness in each of us. There will not be another chance for silence anytime soon to redeem ourselves and build a more idyllic world. It is heartbreaking that we have thrown such a historical opportunity out the window.

He also argued that, contrary to what has been proclaimed, the pandemic has not made us more empathetic, but rather more selfish and cynical. In what way? Could this also be a manifestation of the collective mourning we have been through and which, to a certain extent, has been alleviated by social media and new technologies?

I don't agree with you on this point. Not at all. Domestic violence has skyrocketed. Divorces and separations have increased since the pandemic. And the world in general has gotten worse, in every aspect: social, sociological, economic and political. The Russian-Ukrainian war didn't even 'allow' the pandemic to end; it started while we were still wearing masks. The demand for vaccines was fierce, and in Portugal, as well as abroad, scandals involving favouritism and overstepping of doses and priority groups were constant. Not to mention politicians and people with great responsibility who didn't obey the lockdowns and organised large private parties. There was a feeling in the air that people didn't know how to live in the silence and seclusion of the moment. The metaphorical scenes and attitudes of “toilet paper” and other goods revealed what the true human priorities were (it would be proven again that everything was the same, in the blackout of 28 April).

As I was alone, and dealing with not one but two tragedies that had befallen me, two months apart: the loss of my mother and the pandemic, in mid-2021 I began to realize that people were desperate to have the same life as before, that is, as unbridled consumers. And worst of all, as if all of this were the true meaning of life, the essence of freedom, of happiness. And then I concluded, and I thought I would not be so right, that we would emerge from the pandemic absolutely worse and more horrible as human beings than we were before.

Wars have increased, leisure and the obsession with profit have increased, the housing crisis, consumption, inflation, indifference towards our fellow man have increased. Doctors have gone from beasts to beasts, according to the population! We have lost the only historical moment to update Christianity, spirituality and goodness in each one of us. There will not be another chance for silence anytime soon to redeem ourselves and build a more idyllic world. It is devastating that we have thrown such a historical opportunity out the window.

'A Mother's Son - Loneliness and Loss in the 21st Century' © War and Peace

I got the impression that you are quite critical of social media, as it promotes isolation from society. Is this, in your view, the basis of loneliness in the 21st century?

The first time I had a social network was in May 2010, at the home of my friend and college colleague, Cláudia Jacques, in Foz, Porto, who, like me, lived very well and was happier without Facebook or Instagram. It was a friend and guest at our weekly dinner who suggested it to us and explained how the massive beginnings of Facebook worked. From then on, I was always present on social networks, and Cláudia, let alone!

I am critical of their misuse, of their replacement in affections and of the drowning of the new generations in these same social networks. They are very useful, but they have decimated many human facets of our daily lives. Children have the right to have a childhood and social networks block the beautiful and unique innocence of that temporal moment in our lives, childhood. Only after two decades can we begin to observe and conclude how negative social networks can be. We all know this. Valuing life by the number of likes, and friendship by the number of 'facefriends' is not only unhelpful, sad, but dangerous. The more mature may know how to distinguish reality from verisimilitude, but most teenagers cannot.

The second part of the book is dedicated to conversations with several people about grief, loneliness and the impact of social media on society. What surprised you the most? And what surprised you the least?

This is a feeling that cuts across all socio-political and cultural classes, and even people with less formal education or academic experience can distinguish between the feeling of “being with oneself” and the unhappiness of being alone, involuntarily. I was surprised that one of the interviewees, whose privacy I intend to maintain, told me that he didn’t know what loneliness was, that he was unaware of this feeling, even though his own mother had committed suicide in a brutal way. I wasn’t surprised either negatively or positively, but simply because… I was completely surprised by his prompt and sincere response.

Light loneliness is like yogurt; it does no harm and helps you stay in shape. Heavy loneliness increases the pain and despair in your heart. Abandonment in love can be one of the cruelest things.

Another moment was that of Dália, the shepherdess who reads, and has beautiful diction, and expresses herself like a cultured urban woman, a sensitivity and contact with animals and nature that delighted me. Her interpretation, her silences and contact with the true wild nature of Serra da Estrela, moved me.

Now, I'll ask you a question that you asked all the interviewees: loneliness or solitudes? And why?

I can see that you like to ask difficult questions! That is cheating! Yes, loneliness is not a singular aspect/occurrence in life, it is very plural. There is a loneliness that drives a person to move forward in life, the terror of a painful and unhealthy loneliness that drives us either to medication, or to escape, or to arrange and sublimate situations so that we stop feeling it, or to seek out the other(s).

I went through a brutal, serious period between the ages of 13 and 18. Today, I look back and I don't know how I survived. I really don't! Two neighbors of the same age didn't survive. Two pure and beautiful girls committed suicide. I will never forget the faces of both of them and the poem I read to one of them at her funeral. 'Light' loneliness is like yogurt; it doesn't cause any harm and helps you stay in shape. Massive loneliness increases the size of the pain and the depth of despair in your heart. Abandonment by love can be one of the cruelest. I've abandoned and been abandoned and replaced. It's not easy. And only then did I understand both my father and, above all, my mother. I learned to know how to lose. At that point, I think I overcame loneliness.

How many celebrities have died at the age of 27; Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison... Each one carried a certain burden of loneliness in their body and soul. We can have everything, and even be loved, and yet feel so lost and alone. Personally, I think I have broken records for all types of loneliness. I have gone through them all, and since I still feel fragile today, I can't have been that strong. Even so, I still don't feel vaccinated. More resilient, more astute and intelligent in dealing with loneliness, yes, but it is like cancer... We have to live one day at a time, and know how to deal with this feeling, so as not to feel overwhelmed by the splendor of its cruel attack. I am a fan of psychotropic medication, yoga, meditation, physical exercise, traveling, and varied sexual activity. Anything goes to eliminate this internal enemy of ours - loneliness in the 21st century!

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