25 Harsh Truths About the 21st Century (So Far)

We are just one leg into the relay race of this exciting century, and I have to say: It’s going great. (I actually do have to say this. The gulag awaits those who do not.) It has been a real rollercoaster ride, specifically on a roller coaster from a county fair, where you saw who put it together and there’s no way they put all the bolts and screws in. If it feels like we’re getting dumber every day, that’s because we are, and actually that is fine, because sentience has proven to be a real pain in the ass. But just because our brains are objectively worse than they were last century doesn’t mean we haven’t learned anything. The more innocent 1999 versions of ourselves would never believe these 25 pieces of information we’ve picked up, and they would be just as disappointed as we are that we cannot put them back down.

1. Everyone will sell out, and the ones who don’t will be considered suckers. Sacrificing principles for money was profane in the ’90s. Now sacrificing money for principles is cringe. In the 21st century, you seek fame first, then money, and maybe, if it’s lucrative, you adopt a code of ethics. The whole point of life right now is selling out.

2. Bringing the world together will turn out to be a terrible idea. Social media will break down borders, revolutionize the way we interact, and radically transform our relationship with lunch. Twitter will initially prove to be a reliable way to track down the good food trucks in our area and to share pictures of the meals we have purchased from them. Almost immediately it will facilitate anti-government uprisings throughout the Arab world, then it will allow women to name and shame their abusers, and then a moron will buy it and streamline it down to just the racism. Now social media is a toilet, which is kind of unfair to toilets, because the contents of even the most poorly maintained toilet were once nourishment.

3. Every single telephone number will vanish from our brains. Except for the landline in the house we grew up in, and maybe 9-1-1. It’s nice to have the phone number of everyone I’ve ever met since I got my first iPhone, but if I ever lost that iPhone and had to reach my emergency contact on a pay phone, the emergency would widen to include a full nervous breakdown.

4. The richest people in America will also be the saddest people in America. The robber barons of the turn of the 20th century had some shady business practices, but at least they built cool houses. At least America got some universities, concert halls, and libraries out of the deal. At least Orson Welles made Citizen Kane. Today’s wealthiest boys send their girlfriends to space for ten minutes, take Brazilian jiu-jitsu classes, and try to get you to laugh at their jokes. A Citizen Kane about any of these dudes would be an Ernest movie directed by Ari Aster. Unwittingly, they have lived the greatest argument against capitalism: If you make Fuck You Money and keep going, you will inevitably arrive at Please Like Me Money. Pathetic.

5. We will still hand these sad wealthy boys all our deepest secrets. In the early 2000s, we will worry that the government is spying on us. (Remember the Patriot Act?) A few years later we will give away all our personal information to Mark Zuckerberg and share our most regrettable search terms with the guys who invented Google. Now our Social Security numbers are the property of Elon Musk and the rest of the DOGE team, who in the 20th century would have been playing Dungeons & Dragons in the basement, where they belong.

6. Of the four vocalists in that “Lady Marmalade” remake from Moulin Rouge! the one we will still be listening to is P!nk. Related . . .

7. Pop stars will have to be acrobats. The musical landscape of the 2020s will be crowded and chaotic, and you’ll have to do something to stand out. So when a Benson Boone or a P!nk slips into a glittering unitard and Cirque du Soleils it up, you’ll say: Sure, why not. If your 21st-century kid wants to be a rock idol, maybe buy him

a guitar, but definitely find him a stern Romanian gymnastics coach.

8. The creator of Beavis and Butt-Head will be our new Nostradamus. In 2006, Mike Judge will cowrite and direct a movie called Idiocracy, about how tacky, embarrassing, gullible, and spangled with corporate logos America has become 500 years in the future. We will have surpassed it in every single way by April 2007.

9. Country stars will start carrying themselves like ’80s rappers.

10. Rappers will have the two biggest country singles of all time.

11. Somehow, everything will feel way more racist.

12. Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy will finally be released. Reading this right now will be the second time you have thought about it.

13. The definition of the word patriotism will go through some changes. When we see the word patriot in the title of a radio show, a YouTube channel, or a podcast, we will know that we are about to be told how much America fucking sucks. When we feel patriotism, in the sense of “devotion and attachment to our country,” it will be a little like the emotion you would experience if your dad started doing meth.

14. The definition of freedom will also prove to be fluid. Having to mask up to slow the spread of an airborne virus will be an affront to liberty. Masked agents snatching people off the streets and disappearing them will be met with a general shrug.

15. Even the hottest movie stars will have to have podcasts. In the 20th century, it was considered a downgrade for a film actor to work in television. Cable and streaming will bust that taboo in the 2000s. But by 2025, after their television series ends, they’ll have to do a rewatch podcast. Even for the super famous, the grind will never end.

16. The same will be true for boring people. Even the most respected political analysts, the ones who used to go on The McLaughlin Group or Wall Street Week, will have to have a YouTube channel, and when you go to that channel, the page will be full of thumbnails where they’re making a Jim Carrey face at a picture of Lauren Boebert or whatever.

17. People will be delight in complaining that they have been silenced. They will nearly always be making this complaint on camera and into a microphone.

18. Neckties will die; everyone will wear sneakers everywhere. And Balenciaga will sell $400 shower shoes.

19. We will surrender to a thing called athleisure. Our 20th-century selves would not be seen in public in sweatpants; Jerry Seinfeld’s admonishment of sweatpants, “You’re telling the world, ‘I give up,’ ” will still be banging around our heads. But then someone will change the fabric slightly, triple the cost, and call them “joggers,” and before we know it we’ll be wearing them to job interviews.

20. Air travel will become cheaper but inhumane, and many of us will respond by becoming animals. More people than ever will just wear regular sweatpants—or, worse, pajamas—to the airport and lie on the ground like it’s been a rough morning at daycare.

21. We will become a nation of vibes. Sure, vaccines extended the American life span, but I don’t really get what they do, so I’m gonna let my kid get measles. We’re taught the world is round, but it’s flat where I’m standing, so who’s to say? All the facts in the history of the world will be in our pocket, but so will all the lunatic bullshit, and since it’s too much work to tell which is which, we’ll do what we feel.

22. Same-sex couples will be granted the right to marry, the sky will not fall, and things will be pretty cool for queer people in the United States. And then a ten-year-old trans kid will want to kick a soccer ball and everyone will lose their shit again.

23. Half of Americans will just really like fascism. They just won’t like you calling it that.

24. You will not believe what adult contemporary music looks like. Your mom will hear a song at a CVS and she’ll ask you who sings it, and it will end up being a dude with tattoos on his face. Face tattoos once meant “I will cut you.” Now they mean “Kelsea Ballerini turned her chair around for me on The Voice.”

25. The world will sometimes make you feel like it is conspiring to make you lose hope. The rules and values you were raised with will turn out to have been suggestions. You’ll feel betrayed and disillusioned. You’ll want to give up and get bitter. But you won’t. You’ll get up every day and face it and try to keep your side of the street clean. You’ll dig deep for strength and hope and optimism, and there will be more of it than you could have imagined. You’ll survive. It will be no less than what P!nk demands of you.