Sexy Hexy at Alexanderplatz: And no one has eyes for the holy Heidi

There she hangs, as tall as a memorial on platform 4, where it's always crowded and the crowds invade the open S-Bahn doors. This time she's even wearing something, albeit just a hint of light blue, twisted polyamide clothing over her pubic area and breasts. She's not writhing sexily like an Only Fans girl or—quite original—with a water-spouting garden hose clamped between her thighs like in one of her recent Insta clips.

No, everything's quite modest by Heidi's standards: a nice bikini, an attractive woman. They even left her with a small roll of flab, while she casts meaningful glances. Otherwise, of course, everything has been perfectly smoothed out by the Photoshop experts at the Italian fashion label Calzedonia , which, according to Wikipedia, "mainly produces hosiery, pants, leggings, and swimwear."

But why these gigantic American billboards, which seem to be hanging all over the city right now, looking down on us, the plebeians? Do the fashion designers from Catholic Italy have some ulterior motive here? Is the Virgin Mary, aka Heidi Klum, supposed to be a bathing beauty, reading us the riot act? But why here, in the pagan epicenter of the entire East, at Alexanderplatz? People hardly look up at the naked saint.

Naked Heidi in Rome too?

Nor are there any screaming teenagers or slobbering hordes of men pulling out their cell phones and filming Melusine winking solemnly. No, the divine Heidi isn't getting people's attention in godless Berlin. At least not obviously. They're too busy pushing their way through the crowds, they have to jostle like everyone else, rush to their appointments – life in the capital is tough . Unless they're tourists, but not even they're scanning the face and body of the over-50 model for secret messages of salvation.

So what now, Calzedonia? Will the advertising concept still work? Will swimwear sales skyrocket? Will hordes of Instagrammers post pics with the "model mom"? Not that it matters to us, we're just wondering. And will the billboards be this large in Rome, and can the new Pope see them? Questions upon questions. But Heidi just smiles.