Wendy Syndrome: Are you taking on the mother role in your relationship?
Most of us are familiar with the story of Peter Pan, Wendy, and life in Neverland, where no one wants to grow up. A similar role distribution can also occur in real-life relationships. It's called the Wendy syndrome.
In a relationship, each person takes on their own unique role. One might be the extroverted joker who takes everything lightly, another might be the planner who wants to figure everything out in advance. A very typical role distribution is based on an old children's story that we probably all know from the Disney film adaptation: Peter Pan and Wendy. Peter and his "lost boys" live in Neverland, where they absolutely refuse to grow up. Then Wendy and her two little brothers arrive, and hey presto, Wendy quickly assumes the role of mother to everyone.
What is Wendy syndrome?This dynamic is so significant that a psychological phenomenon is named after it: Wendy syndrome . The term, coined by US psychologist Dan Kiley in 1983, refers to a division of roles in a relationship in which one person carries the entire mental load and takes care of everything, while the other lets themselves be mothered and sits back – just like Peter Pan and his lost boys do. He refers to the latter as Peter Pan syndrome . And not surprisingly, the people who suffer from Wendy syndrome are usually women. These are the signs that will tell you if your relationship has a Wendy and Peter problem.
3 signs that you have Wendy syndrome 1. You like to be in controlFor every Peter Pan, there must be a Wendy. That is, every person who doesn't want to take responsibility and prefers to leave everything to others needs someone to take it all off their hands. And this person enjoys keeping all the balls in the air and taking care of everything. They're probably a talented organizer who loves the approval of others and is very reluctant to give up control. But isn't it perhaps a lack of trust that makes you act this way? Or do you perhaps feel like you have to be useful to be loved?
2. You feel responsible for the feelings of othersPeople with Wendy syndrome are typically highly empathetic and can tune into the feelings of others. So far, so good. But it becomes problematic when you feel responsible for others' emotions. Is someone stressed and sad? Wanting to help isn't wrong, but if you feel partly responsible for your partner's feelings and thus responsible for making them feel better, something is wrong. An extreme need for harmony is a typical sign of Wendy syndrome.
3. You are very self-criticalTypically, people who take on the mother role in their relationship struggle with low self-esteem. They often feel they are only worth something if they sacrifice themselves for others. Fear of rejection is high, so they instinctively do everything for their partner, thus unconsciously establishing problematic relationship patterns.
How do we deal with relationship crises? When does a breakup make sense? Why do women break up differently than men? We answer these and other questions in our PDF dossier on relationships in crisis.
Recognizing that you're stuck in this role distribution is the first important step. Constantly ask yourself in your daily life: Is this really my job? Do I really bear responsibility for it? Could my partner relieve me of this mental burden? Talk to your partner and explain how you feel about the situation and what you hope for the future.
If you feel like you can't get out of the dynamic surrounding Wendy syndrome on your own, you can seek therapeutic help—either through couples therapy or on your own. This way, you can find out what you can do to meet your partner on equal terms in this or your next relationship.
You might also be interested in these topics: Narcissism , proximity-distance issues and deep talk questions .
mbl Brigitte
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