Club World Cup: JD Vance wants to revolutionize football

What was that?! The guests of honor at TQL Stadium in Cincinnati rubbed their eyes in disbelief. Among them: US Vice President JD Vance and his wife Usha. They had to watch for 90 minutes as Borussia Dortmund dominated South Korean representative Ulsan HD in their final group match, but hardly provided any excitement, leaving the pitch 1-0 up after a goal by Daniel Svensson in the 36th minute. A tiring performance. "Disgrace," JD Vance is said to have muttered, if the skills of renowned lip reader Pure O'Ral are to be believed.

But that's all set to end, according to US government plans cited by the Washington Journal. According to the report, JD Vance advocated for a revolution in soccer's rules just minutes after the final whistle. Soccer is to be transformed based on the American model. Initial ideas include larger goals, a smaller playing surface to the size of a basketball court, and the abolition of all fouls.

What initially sounds painful could have ended worse. According to secret documents, Vance inquired about the condition of the B2 bombers with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth after Julian Brandt's sixth bad pass.

The fact that the Trump administration isn't afraid to take tough measures is once again evident in the draft rules for the soccer revolution. According to the draft rules, players who fail to score a goal within ten minutes must leave the country immediately. Honduras and Schalke are available as host partners. A list of clubs from certain countries that are no longer permitted to participate has already been submitted to FIFA. Left wingers are to be banned altogether. And coaches—a special request from the Vice President—are required to wear suits.

Vance was said to be completely disappointed with football. The glossy product of the European Champions League, mixed with the best teams in the world, had turned out to be a scam. "Europe must learn to play football on its own two feet," Vance is said to have argued, pointing to numerous points in football, basketball, and ice hockey. "Teams that don't commit to the five-goal goal in the long term should be excluded."

Donald Trump is also said to support his vice president's plans. Even if FIFA wants to hold a match in honor of the president this week, given his short attention span (7.5 minutes of playing time) and his ego (Trump will score the decisive 6-5 himself), the world governing body is likely to back down on the plans.

When asked about the plans, Gianni Infantino signaled a willingness to negotiate. "If someone wants to make football better, to open people's hearts... HAHAHAHAHAH, sorry. So if anyone has an idea how we can squeeze even more money out of this, just contact me."

In the same breath, the affable official praised the US government's role in implementing the Club World Cup. "My good friend Donald Trump and his sycophants... sorry, his cabinet members have done an excellent job of making the Club World Cup in its inaugural version even better than I could have dreamed (completely ruining an actually quite exciting idea, ed.) ."