When it is better not to overact

Teresa Arsuaga is a lawyer working in Madrid as a mediator in the field of conflict resolution. She is also the author of titles such as The Humanist Lawyer . As a result of her extensive experience, she now publishes this guide for better conflict management, which inevitably arises in every human life. Using real-life examples, the author aims to help her readers learn to focus on the hidden motives of their reactions and pay attention to everyday details that can have unexpected repercussions.

To begin with, it's worth observing a tendency among us that is harmful in our disputes: that of dramatizing and distorting reality, attributing sole responsibility for disagreements and grievances to the other party. With such gross exaggeration, we "allow" ourselves to unleash pride, resentment, or revenge; an overreaction. To avoid this, it's key to consider each other's perceptions and emotions, as well as how they are communicated and interpreted. We can't accommodate ourselves to secondary, unnecessary, and, of course, damaging controversies; in reality, we shouldn't enter into them. It's neither fair nor intelligent to systematically blame others, playing the victim and prejudging others' intentions and actions in the worst possible way. We must strive to acquire the ability to prevent further or even worse damage.

⁄ This is a guide for the best management of conflicts, which inevitably appear in every life

Between separated parents, it's not uncommon for conflict to escalate with petty revenge (a scheduled tardiness for every occasion or the systematic refusal to comply with occasional changes in stipulated judicial measures). Some miss no opportunity to annoy, bother, anger, and frustrate their ex-partners, regardless of the damage and anguish this inflicts on their children. This often causes unbearable suffering for children and young people. Such havoc is not justified; it's unacceptable, but it's a common practice. Others seek to harm anyone they can; in order to make their indignation known, they unleash their evil acts at random—sometimes even killing.

Far from an uncontrollable tendency to overwhelm, Teresa Arsuaga suggests an alternative to the complaint expressed, "You're never home, you're selfish": "I wish we could spend more time together"; a request based on the idea of ​​being more welcoming. Taking charge, then, of the situation and feelings of others, but expressing our own situation and feelings. We must cultivate a willingness to collaborate and ask for collaboration, think about the future and not frantically stir up the past. It is essential to have equanimity and a sense of justice, control our emotions, and act on perceptions (sometimes subtly breaking the criteria with which the other person interprets what is happening and what angers them). It doesn't hurt to learn from the classics how to say what you truly mean and to abandon stereotypical speech.

It's also important to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and realize that perceiving disdain or indifference, or a blatant lack of attention, causes pain, if not offense. No one wants to be dismissed as irrelevant and insignificant; we all want recognition, not just affection, both in the family and educational spheres, as well as in the professional and social spheres, to be taken into account; everyone is looking for this, even if it doesn't seem so.

It's important for all of us to know that the desire for empathy and effectiveness inspires a method for structuring our way of relating authentically, without violence and without overreacting.

It's worth mentioning two names whom Teresa Arsuaga pays tribute to in these pages: Johan Galtung, a Norwegian mathematician and sociologist who researched human conflicts in search of clarity and peace. And the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, who also promoted nonviolent communication sixty years ago.

Teresa Arsuaga : I See You, I Hear You, I Recognize You, Harp. 176 pages. 18.90 euros