Do you take care of the pain? Who can do it when you can't take care of yourself?

When a parent becomes seriously ill. Or becomes deprived of mobility to the point of having to live with a catheter. "Living" in the most impoverished sense of the verb. Children are left with emotions injected like needles into their skin, forced to feel something they weren't supposed to (uninformed about), when it's time to choose a caregiver who can't be their own child, a sibling, or another relative (because there aren't any, or they're not 'willing'). Or in cases where the parent doesn't have a pension to cover the cost of care for institutions and nursing homes and is a hyena of the healthcare ecosystem.

Of course, I agree that children should pay when their parents can't. But what if those children barely have enough to cover the basic expenses of feeding their own children?

A problem. And it can happen to anyone.

Do you know how often this happens? When social services or the family doctor "asks" us to fill out a set of documents in which we have to assume the father or mother's lucidity. And we're far, far away from the father or mother's "will." And what about the moralizing about: "children who don't want to know their parents?"

And these documents (which are a biblical panoply) aren't even explained to the father or mother, the primary beneficiaries. In fact, the literacy of older Portuguese (and young people!) doesn't support such language, and many mistakes can be made when signing such responsibilities.

Before throwing stones, many people should first realize that not all families are shaped in the image of perfection or normality of their own (if only!). Furthermore, Portuguese children, both young and old, are increasingly less healthy to care for a father, mother… because they have "life" (a noun that is sometimes also poor). And they begin to lose even more health in caring for themselves, their children, and their father.

But what bothers me most: when parents slap (no quotation marks!) their child's life in the face every day, and then a (deranged) social worker comes along and demands responsibilities the child can't handle. Or even a parent demands 24-hour support for their child, making demands that only hurt and trigger trauma.

As a television commentator on these moments (about which very little is said), I've already emphasized that it's not worth recommending psychosocial support in homes (family homes) that have never had any bonds. One doesn't drink from a broken cup.

There are solutions, yes, there are. And among them, the beautiful daily forgiveness. The secret phone call that sick parents don't know their child makes constantly to see what they can do without their parents knowing that they even want to give them a kidney, hiding their identity, just to save them (the parents), even if it means killing themselves. Certainly, shortening one's life for the sake of a parent isn't asked for, but it ends up being seen as an absolute solution when affection has almost never existed in a home. So, unable to convey the feeling (that we love our parents unconditionally), do we give a kidney? What more do they want when our hearts have already been ripped out by our own parents, in many cases?

Fortunately, the heart regenerates in love for life, but the kidney does not.

And when we fill out those social security and regional health department documents due to the parent's or guardian's medical condition, do you know what happens? The parent (or an uncle or neighbor who multiplies the language by 100, because they're clueless about the real-life dysfunctional families) accuses their child of maliciously trying to manage their parents' finances and property. Of not "taking care" of their parent. As the saying goes, "those who've been in the convent know what's going on inside."

Don't make this decision lightly: read these documents carefully. And if you do, know that there will always be pious women and moralistic neighbors ready as moths at the door of the chapel where your father or mother lies, in a wooden box, perhaps mahogany, one day later.

This is not a rare case, and it's hypocritical to use a moralistic voice to say that "family is everything" and comes first. But this isn't a podium with places awarded for glory. Families aren't perfect, and many are so dysfunctional that they don't even allow a child to have a relationship to help a parent. And here I include the father as a biological guardian or not. What matters is who truly cares or cared. Places, those are in heaven.