Stolen memories

Among the most destructive phenomena of parental alienation is the creation of false memories in children and adolescents. Over time, alienating parents repeat negative narratives, use psychological pressure, and resort to emotional manipulation, leading the child or adolescent to believe in events that never happened or to deny positive experiences that actually occurred.

A clear example is when children begin to claim that their father or mother was never present in their lives, despite numerous records proving their dedication. A father I worked with recounted: “During my son's first year and a half of life, while we lived together, I always took care of our son, preparing and giving him bottles, bathing him, changing his diapers, preparing soups, and spending nights caring for him… I also put him to sleep, told him stories, sang to him, and played with him.” This testimony about constant daily care illustrates the father's presence, bond, and affection. When parental alienation sets in, realities like these are erased and replaced by false narratives through which children are manipulated and deeply hurt. The goal of the alienating parent is precisely that: to erase good memories of the other parent and replace them with negative ones. In other words, to transform the image of a caring, close, and affectionate father or mother into a distant, hostile, or disinterested figure. This is exactly what happens when children start claiming that their father "wasn't a father because he was never present in their lives," despite the entire real-life story showing the opposite.

Another father we spoke with told us: “My children told me I didn’t like them because I never did anything with them, I was always working.” However, the father’s account shows a different reality: “My children told me I didn’t like them because I never did anything with them, I was always working.” But, according to the father, the truth was quite different: “I was very present in my children’s daily lives since they were born, I bathed them, put them to sleep, made their meals… took them to school,” adding: “I taught my children to ride bicycles, skateboards, and we spent many afternoons at the beach surfing.”

A new “truth” is being constructed, first in the mind, then in the emotional relationship. Real, lived, and affectionate memories cease to be recalled, and the child begins to reject the alienated parent based solely on the story created and repeated by the alienating parent.

Even fundamental experiences are erased. The father explained what happened in the first weeks of life: “In the first weeks of our son's life, almost all the daily tasks were the father's responsibility, since the mother was quite weak as a result of the cesarean section.” These are the memories of care and presence that were later replaced by a false memory of absence.

Good intervention practices show that children and adolescents need evidence, concrete, consistent, and repeated proof to remind them of reality. One of the most effective strategies is to reintroduce real and positive memories. Creating a photo album is a particularly powerful tool; it serves as emotional and visual proof, breaking the cycle of the alienating narrative. The photographs and videos activate real emotional memories, allowing the child or adolescent to feel safe and a sense of belonging again. The physical album is a powerful strategy because it makes the past visible, returning real memories to the child or adolescent, breaking the manipulated narrative and creating emotional security. It is a concrete way to provide real proof that the now-alienated father or mother was present, participated, and was a part of their children's lives.

I also share the experience of a real family, a situation involving an alienated father. The children, and even the mother herself, through emails sent to the father and court requests to which the children had access, repeatedly stated that the father had always been absent. The children and the alienating mother said that the father had never been present during important moments, that he had never accompanied them to the doctor, to school, or to any other situation in their daily lives. Therefore, in the few moments authorized by the mother when this father could be with the children, they rejected him, repeating all these false stories as if they were truths. It was then that, together with this father, we began a large investigation. All the family members got involved: the paternal aunt, the grandmother, the grandfather… each one went to their “chests” to look for old photographs and videos, searching for any record in which the father was with the children. From this material, we created a physical album. In it, we included photographs of the father giving the baby their first bath when they arrived home, feeding them solid food, changing diapers, playing with them, putting them to sleep… and we wrote captions like: “This was the day your dad gave you your first solid food,” “Here you were in your dad’s lap before bed,” “On this day your dad took you to the doctor.”

When the father returned to his children and showed them the album, they remained silent. The children's silence is a sign of emotional shock; reality confronted the manipulated narrative. It was at that moment that they realized they had been deceived. They couldn't understand how, for so many years, they had been told a false story about the father they had always loved. The situation was so painful for the youngest daughter that, in an attempt to deny her suffering, she made the album disappear. Later, we found the album hidden behind the living room cupboard. The youngest daughter's act of hiding the album shows the level of internal conflict: the truth had come out, but accepting it meant acknowledging her mother's lie, something psychologically very painful for a child.

In addition to the photo album, videos of family moments, objects with emotional value, accounts from family and friends, school records, appointment dates, trips, and birthdays can be used. All these elements help to reconstruct emotional truth and real memory. This type of intervention helps the child remember who they really are and what they have experienced, and this is essential to re-establish a connection with the estranged parent, even though it is an emotionally difficult process for them.

When a child repeats phrases like, "You were never there," "You never did anything for me," "I don't like you," they are not remembering; they are repeating what the alienating parent told them. When a child or adolescent starts saying, "You were never there," "You never did anything for me," "I don't like you," they are not remembering. They are repeating. The story they were told erased their true memory. Recovering that memory is a slow process that needs to be structured, emotionally protected, and with specialized psychological support.

False memories are one of the most serious weapons of parental alienation. Destroying the image of the alienated parent is destroying a part of the child's or adolescent's own identity. Restoring the truth is not about attacking the alienating parent. It's about protecting the child, their emotional well-being, and their true history.

With technical support, guidance, and emotional evidence (such as photographs, stories, videos, and testimonials), it is possible to recover what has been erased: the memory of love, care, and presence.